Um....I like cats.

So since most of my other posts have been/are going to be a bit heavy....I wanted to post something a little...fluffier.:)

I love my cats. I've had many over the years. I love dogs too, actually I just like animals. (What girl doesn't...?) But seriously, if I never marry and have children, I already know my fate. I will be the crazy cat lady who takes in every helpless feline she finds wandering around out in the cold......anyway..

About two years ago, my dad and I found out that if I kept living with him, his federal housing would be taken away because I was working and technically made enough to pay more rent than what we were paying. We decided it would be best to split up so he could still get assistance, not to mention that he was lonely because I was never home to spend time with him. He moved into a 55 yr old+ apartment complex and has since made lots of friends. I moved into my own place for about 7 months and realized that I wouldn't be able to pay for school and the apartment and later moved in with my sister so I wouldn't have to pay as much rent. The reason I explain all this is because my sister's daughter is allergic to cats so when I moved in with her, I had to give one of my cats away and the others my dad took. Long story short, I miss them. When I get my own place again, I'll take them back.:)

Here are the kitties I still have, though there have been many others....:)

 This is Toby! We actually put him down a few months ago....he had diabetes and we weren't able to find a suitable treatment for him. It was heart breaking but we know he is much happier now. I found him at a library.:) I used to hang out there a lot growing up and one cold winter night as I walked in the building there was this little tabby cat hanging out by the doors, apparently he had been trying to sneak in whenever people came in or out and the librarians kept throwing him out. He was there when I went in and was still there two hours later when I went out. We took him home and put up flyers but no one claimed him so he stayed with us.:) I miss him.

 This is Chiko. He is the strangest cat I've ever met....and I've seen loooots of kitties... He is very silly and has big googly blue eyes and a very pink nose. He is pretty short and round and super soft. He is the most playful kitty I have and has a slight cat nip addiction...he'll always have a special place in my heart because my mom picked him out of a litter outside the shelter two months before she died.

This is Paxil and he is my baby. I've had him since I was nine and witnessed his birth from one of the other cats we had. I originally named him Socks- I'm not sure why since he has no sock marks on his feet...later on, my mom decided we should name him Paxil, after the anti-depressant pill, because he would cuddle with her when she was sick and she said he calmed her down.


I don't care what anyone says...I love my cats. And I know they love me back.:)

Tribute for Andy

All through middle school and high school I had a really great friend named Andy. He and I met my seventh grade year and immediately hit it off. He was a very silly kid and loved to joke around and have fun. He had a way of making me feel really good about myself when none of my other friends did. He would never accept a bad attitude and always tried to cheer someone up when they were down. 

I remember we used to hang out in my back yard each summer. We'd have water fights or lay on the trampoline and watch the stars. We used to write really long notes back and forth and exchange them at school. He was really great to just talk to about life and anything that happened to be going on. We used to say that we adopted each other as brother and sister. He really helped me when I found out that my mom was really sick, and would always come over to my house when I was having a hard time. The last year or so of high school we weren't as close though, we both had boyfriends and girlfriends- and everyone knows how much they take up your time when you're in high school- and I also started to do a lot of theatre and he wasn't really into the artsy stuff. (Though he never missed a performance.)

I never knew that he was depressed. I still don't really know what drove him to hang himself. It might have been family problems, though they always seemed so close; or maybe it was a bad relationship with his girlfriend...whatever was going on I couldn't tell through his usual smile. He was always the one to keep me from being down on myself. He always had a positive perspective to point out, always looked at the silver lining, always saw all the good things in people, and never pointed out the flaws. 

I hadn't talked to him for quite a few months, we had only just graduated from high school. I was staying over at a friends house when she called me to come look at the computer. She had stumbled across Andy's obituary. I couldn't believe it. We went to his funeral and I could hardly look at him. It wasn't my Andy, it was a cold stranger with a sad face. I wouldn't remember him like that. I will always remember him as happy. I'll remember his contagious laugh and smile, and all the kind words and wisdom beyond his years that he shared with me. 

Memories with My Extended Family

I said before that growing up with 12 nieces and nephews was a lot like having a bunch of siblings that I didn't live with, but treated as such. I thought maybe I could post a memory about each one of them...

My Sister Dawn's Family:

Corbin (Now Age 21)- When we were little, everyone that saw Corbin and I together thought we were twins...we were both complete toe-heads (crazy white hair) and had very similar facial features which we've now grown out of. We were born only six months apart and my mom always used to say that Corbin was supposed to be hers, but that he was goofing around up in heaven and missed the boat down to Earth, so he was born to my sister instead. I remember playing on the same soft ball team when we were little and just playing in the grass in the outfield instead of participating in the game.

There's me on the right, and Corb is the first one down the slide...

Robbie (Now Age 24)- Robbie was the big brother I really never wanted...ha. He was a big bully and treated me exactly as he would an annoying little sister. He was a lot like his father, very insensitive and big into sports. He never cried, and if he did he sure wouldn't let anyone see. I remember being at Lake Powell and trying to make him let me help dig a fire pit. He ended up accidentally hitting me in the head with the shovel and I had to get stitches, he still said I was being a baby...how's that for brotherly love? He also just got married last month and has a little girl that is almost two years old.

Hailey (Now 15) & Kenlee (12)- Hailey has always been a little diva. She loves to be the center of attention and switches from idolizing me to completely rebelling against me. Kenlee is sweet, most of the time. She can get pouty when she doesn't get her way, but what little girl doesn't? I live with Dawn now, and it's only her and the girls and I since both boys have moved out. I remember babysitting the girls when they were little and playing dolls with them. We'd make houses for them and the girls would always be angry with me because my house turned out better, so I'd always trade them or re do theirs.:) Now-a-days we share everything from clothes to make-up, they confide in me but really don't take anything I say seriously...which is okay.

My Sister Deena's Family:

Nicolas (Now 19)- Even though I was close with all of my nieces and nephews at some point, Nic has always been my baby brother. We fought, we cried, we laughed and we loved each other to absolutely no end. He even lived with me for quite a while when we were both in elementary school. I remember doing some really awful things to him though....like pouring mud into an empty Sees Chocolate box and convincing him to eat it....and putting make up and girl clothes on him and making him try to convince my friends that he was a girl.....yeah- I was pretty bad. But now that I think about it, he really never got upset with me. And even though I took advantage of his naivety, I adored him and took anyone else down who even thought of hurting him- I was extremely protective. I was heart broken when he moved to TX, and did all I could to be there for him when his Dad passed away...(see previous blog). He is married now....which is still so crazy to me. But I'll always see him as my baby bro...

Adam (12) & Mathew (10)- Adam is just a sweetheart. He completely idolizes Nic and says he will never be too old to give me hugs and kisses. He is an awesome athlete and I remember teaching him how to make my special top-ramen. Mathew is a crazy bundle of energy. He is always smiling and laughing and never complains about anything....I remember being at my house and watching him swim in the kiddie pool in our yard, Nic and I forgot to put sunblock on him and Deena was not happy with us when she got back from work. 

Below L to R: Mathew, Adam, Corbin, Nic (About 2010)

My Brother Doug's Family:

Jessica (Now Age 22)- Jess and I were two of a kind and yet completely opposite at the same time. We both loved to sing and dance, and were convinced that when we grew up we would have our own music group called Heart-to-Heart and be famous and travel the world. Though we loved to do things together, we were also competitive! I always felt like I was trying to catch up with her. I remember she spent four hours with me on the trampoline once teaching me how to do a front flip. This photo is actually from that very day.:) She's been married for almost three years now.

Joshua (Age 19)- Josh and I have always gotten along. I can't recall one single fight. He has always been super laid back, happy to do whatever I wanted to do. Though we would get pretty competitive playing Pokemon Stadium on the N-64! I remember when we were about nine years old, we decided that if we weren't related we would get married and we had a pretend ceremony in my back yard. It wasn't romantic, we just wanted to live together so we could play all the time! He is currently on an LDS mission in Cambodia.

Taylor (17)- Taylor is the sweetest, most musically gifted kid I have ever known. He tries to please absolutely everyone and is so sensitive to the needs of others. He plays the piano and guitar and bass by ear, and also has a lovely voice. He also used to be a wonderful athlete, particularly with baseball, but has recently had some heart problems and now isn't allowed to play sports of any kind. As you could imagine, for someone who has played sports his entire life, this was a huge blow. He is doing well though and stays involved in his music.

Jake(15) & Alexis (12)- Jacob has an interesting past. When he was little he had extreme behavior disorders. He was diagnosed bipolar and had severe ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) by the time he was five. He would go from being completely calm and happy as can be to having screaming fits, saying that he was going to kill his parents and run away. He had to see a lot of doctors but since he was ten or so he has completely grown out of it. You would never know now, he is a very mature and happy boy and is also heavily involved in sports. Lexi is a mini Jessica. She loves to sing and dance and has won a few national dance competitions in Vegas and New York. She is quiet, but still loves to perform.

That's everyone!!

Wrong Crowd

Most kids have one of two recollections of grade school. It's either a horror story, or the best time of their life. Or like me, it's a little of both.
Elementary school was fine. I had lots of friends. We might not have been in the popular crowd, but I had fun and didn't really care to be the center of attention. I chased boys, got in fights, obtained many-a-grass stain and kicked butt in kickball.:)

Then came middle school. Here is where I met some of the worst friends I would ever have...I should put a disclaimer and say that in recent years they have matured and apologized still keep in touch, but I'll never forget some of the things that happened back then. First there was B. We started hanging out the summer before middle school. She always seemed so confident. I wanted to be just like her. She always had the nicest clothes, hair and makeup, but whenever I tried to imitate her style, I'd only be ridiculed for it. I was sort of like her poor mangled mutt that she could play with but never truly care for....she would make sure I knew how "cute" she thought my efforts were, and that it wasn't my fault I just couldn't be as good as her. She had a way of making me feel like she was the only friend I could ever have, and would build me up just enough so I'd stick around trying to gain her approval, but always made sure I knew that I was inferior to her. Still, I thought she was my best friend and spent all my spare time with her.

Granted, not all the time with her was bad. We had fun, I just always left her house feeling down on myself. I had acne, I was lanky and never had the right thing to say. People thought she was gorgeous, always had nice hair and skin, and laughed at everything she said. She also used to make comments on how my house and family weren't as good as hers...how my parents never had good food to eat, how they were older and couldn't do as much and how my dad walked funny...She even said one time after showing me the new clothes that her mom got her for the start of school, "Karlie, it's too bad your so skinny and don't fit into any of my clothes. I'd let you borrow some of them and then you'd look nice too!" She also used to convince me to do weird things that would make me look better, like putting deodorant on my face saying she read an article that said it would clear your acne. I was so desperate, I would always fall for it, and she'd roll on the ground laughing. Or, she'd tell me to make the ugliest face I could possibly come up with and then pull a camera out before I could move, and the next day all of her other friends had seen it.

Early on I had also met B's cousin, K. She was our age and went to the same school as us. K was also a little awkward like me, I felt at ease around her and didn't think I had to try as hard. We started hanging out without B and I found that K had also spent her life in B's shadow, never quite matching up to her "excellence". It was nice to have someone who understood what I'd been through and who made me feel like I was good enough. As time went on though, K also started to take advantage of my passive personality and began to treat me exactly the was B had. It was so easy to do something wrong and have one or both of them angry with me, I'd apologize for days before I'd be accepted back into the circle. These wrong doings consisted of things like curling my hair on B's birthday, which meant that I was trying to outshine her on her special day and that was a terrible thing to do to your best friend. Or with K, accidentally spilling tomato juice on her shirt.

B had a way of making you say or do exactly what she wanted you to. One day in seventh grade, after we had had talent show auditions which K and I had both tried out and sung songs, B called me. She kept saying how awful K was, how terrible of a singer she was, and kept asking if I agreed with her. She wouldn't drop it until I said yes and when I finally did, she said she had to go. A minute later, K called me. She sounded like she was crying and said that B had just told her that she didn't do a good job and how mean she was. I tried to comfort her saying that we both knew that B could say really mean things sometimes and how we shouldn't worry about what she thinks because she doesn't know anything (though I should have followed my own advice.) Once I had made K feel better, she hung up. Another minute later B called me back and said she thought her mom was having a heart attack and asked me to come over right away. I immediately hung up the phone and ran to her house, when I got there I went inside and K shut the door behind me. They were both there and had 3 way called me to try to get me to say bad things about each of them so that they could prove how awful of a friend I was. K blocked the door while B verbally tore me to pieces, when I became hysterical with tears they finally let me leave and I ran home to my mom. My mom would tell me to stay away from them since they always had me in tears, but I would always go back.

I spent all three years of middle school following them around, letting them ridicule me and then telling me how special I was and how it was all just fun and games, I would always forgive them, I just thought that this was how friendships worked. I also had just accepted that I wasn't smart or funny or pretty, and that any hope I had of fitting in fell in with being in their company, and that if they liked me, so would other people. It led to depression and I started hurting myself. I was never suicidal, but I knew people who cut themselves and I wondered if it helped. I only did it once, my mom caught me and slapped me across the face, angry that I would ever be to stupid, but quickly followed by hugging me as tightly as ever, telling me I needed to get away from these friends and how I deserved so much better.

In tenth grade I auditioned for West Side Story. My friends thought it was stupid and made fun of the choir/theatre kids and me for wanting to associate with them. The deeper I got in to rehearsals though, the more I realized how much I not only loved the theatre, but how wonderful these kids were! They made me feel so great about myself- they were noisy and silly and never tried to be "cool". They didn't care what anyone thought, it was an entirely new concept. I was always laughing instead of crying, and finally decided to stop hanging out with the girls I had let tear me down for so long. I also realized I LOVED to perform! I had already been on dance company and grew up singing in my shower or alone in my room, but joining the school musical, I found that I was actually really good at it! I started taking theatre classes, auditioned for the vocal ensemble and the productions company (singing, acting, dancing), and found a whole new world filled with fun, talented, artistic people just like me. I no longer felt awkward, but completely accepted. I kept in touch with people like B and K, but never had the desire to be part of their group. I was happier, and they knew it. Since then I think they've both realized what a good friend they had and what they lost by driving me so far away. It's a good thing I did leave that crowd too, later on in high school they all got themselves into some pretty bad situations- crazy parties, lots of drama...I'm glad I missed out.;)