Wrong Crowd

Most kids have one of two recollections of grade school. It's either a horror story, or the best time of their life. Or like me, it's a little of both.
Elementary school was fine. I had lots of friends. We might not have been in the popular crowd, but I had fun and didn't really care to be the center of attention. I chased boys, got in fights, obtained many-a-grass stain and kicked butt in kickball.:)

Then came middle school. Here is where I met some of the worst friends I would ever have...I should put a disclaimer and say that in recent years they have matured and apologized still keep in touch, but I'll never forget some of the things that happened back then. First there was B. We started hanging out the summer before middle school. She always seemed so confident. I wanted to be just like her. She always had the nicest clothes, hair and makeup, but whenever I tried to imitate her style, I'd only be ridiculed for it. I was sort of like her poor mangled mutt that she could play with but never truly care for....she would make sure I knew how "cute" she thought my efforts were, and that it wasn't my fault I just couldn't be as good as her. She had a way of making me feel like she was the only friend I could ever have, and would build me up just enough so I'd stick around trying to gain her approval, but always made sure I knew that I was inferior to her. Still, I thought she was my best friend and spent all my spare time with her.

Granted, not all the time with her was bad. We had fun, I just always left her house feeling down on myself. I had acne, I was lanky and never had the right thing to say. People thought she was gorgeous, always had nice hair and skin, and laughed at everything she said. She also used to make comments on how my house and family weren't as good as hers...how my parents never had good food to eat, how they were older and couldn't do as much and how my dad walked funny...She even said one time after showing me the new clothes that her mom got her for the start of school, "Karlie, it's too bad your so skinny and don't fit into any of my clothes. I'd let you borrow some of them and then you'd look nice too!" She also used to convince me to do weird things that would make me look better, like putting deodorant on my face saying she read an article that said it would clear your acne. I was so desperate, I would always fall for it, and she'd roll on the ground laughing. Or, she'd tell me to make the ugliest face I could possibly come up with and then pull a camera out before I could move, and the next day all of her other friends had seen it.

Early on I had also met B's cousin, K. She was our age and went to the same school as us. K was also a little awkward like me, I felt at ease around her and didn't think I had to try as hard. We started hanging out without B and I found that K had also spent her life in B's shadow, never quite matching up to her "excellence". It was nice to have someone who understood what I'd been through and who made me feel like I was good enough. As time went on though, K also started to take advantage of my passive personality and began to treat me exactly the was B had. It was so easy to do something wrong and have one or both of them angry with me, I'd apologize for days before I'd be accepted back into the circle. These wrong doings consisted of things like curling my hair on B's birthday, which meant that I was trying to outshine her on her special day and that was a terrible thing to do to your best friend. Or with K, accidentally spilling tomato juice on her shirt.

B had a way of making you say or do exactly what she wanted you to. One day in seventh grade, after we had had talent show auditions which K and I had both tried out and sung songs, B called me. She kept saying how awful K was, how terrible of a singer she was, and kept asking if I agreed with her. She wouldn't drop it until I said yes and when I finally did, she said she had to go. A minute later, K called me. She sounded like she was crying and said that B had just told her that she didn't do a good job and how mean she was. I tried to comfort her saying that we both knew that B could say really mean things sometimes and how we shouldn't worry about what she thinks because she doesn't know anything (though I should have followed my own advice.) Once I had made K feel better, she hung up. Another minute later B called me back and said she thought her mom was having a heart attack and asked me to come over right away. I immediately hung up the phone and ran to her house, when I got there I went inside and K shut the door behind me. They were both there and had 3 way called me to try to get me to say bad things about each of them so that they could prove how awful of a friend I was. K blocked the door while B verbally tore me to pieces, when I became hysterical with tears they finally let me leave and I ran home to my mom. My mom would tell me to stay away from them since they always had me in tears, but I would always go back.

I spent all three years of middle school following them around, letting them ridicule me and then telling me how special I was and how it was all just fun and games, I would always forgive them, I just thought that this was how friendships worked. I also had just accepted that I wasn't smart or funny or pretty, and that any hope I had of fitting in fell in with being in their company, and that if they liked me, so would other people. It led to depression and I started hurting myself. I was never suicidal, but I knew people who cut themselves and I wondered if it helped. I only did it once, my mom caught me and slapped me across the face, angry that I would ever be to stupid, but quickly followed by hugging me as tightly as ever, telling me I needed to get away from these friends and how I deserved so much better.

In tenth grade I auditioned for West Side Story. My friends thought it was stupid and made fun of the choir/theatre kids and me for wanting to associate with them. The deeper I got in to rehearsals though, the more I realized how much I not only loved the theatre, but how wonderful these kids were! They made me feel so great about myself- they were noisy and silly and never tried to be "cool". They didn't care what anyone thought, it was an entirely new concept. I was always laughing instead of crying, and finally decided to stop hanging out with the girls I had let tear me down for so long. I also realized I LOVED to perform! I had already been on dance company and grew up singing in my shower or alone in my room, but joining the school musical, I found that I was actually really good at it! I started taking theatre classes, auditioned for the vocal ensemble and the productions company (singing, acting, dancing), and found a whole new world filled with fun, talented, artistic people just like me. I no longer felt awkward, but completely accepted. I kept in touch with people like B and K, but never had the desire to be part of their group. I was happier, and they knew it. Since then I think they've both realized what a good friend they had and what they lost by driving me so far away. It's a good thing I did leave that crowd too, later on in high school they all got themselves into some pretty bad situations- crazy parties, lots of drama...I'm glad I missed out.;)